Some post-Mother’s Day Thoughts on Fatherhood

With yesterday being Mother’s Day, I decided to take a some time and ponder on my role as Father. A little backwards, I know, but since my wife is so awesome, spending a day to celebrate her awesomeness made me want to take stock of myself and see what I need to be doing better—to bring myself up to her level.

As I was thinking about this, some words from The Family: A Proclamation to the World came into my head:

“By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families.”

As I was thinking about that, I got stuck on the word “Preside” which has become a problematic word in our society because many people primarily associate that word with “rule,” “govern,” or “dictate.” Which, if you look up the word’s definition in a modern dictionary is pretty much what it means nowadays. I didn’t stop there though, so I tried to learn more about its Latin origin: “praesidēre” which taken literally means to sit in front of.

I was sure that wasn’t how the word was used though, so I kept digging and found out that “praesidēre” is the present active infinitive of the Latin word “praesideo” which apparently still means to sit in front of, but in terms of actual usage means to “guard,” “watch,” “protect,” or “defend.”

I like those four words a lot better when thinking about my role as father. It got me thinking about one place in our society where the word “preside” is not controversial, and that would be a judge presiding over a courtroom. In the role of judge in our society, the judge does not always get to sit in judgment and decide the innocence or guilt of the accused, that role is left to a jury. What the judge is actually doing is guarding, watching, protecting, and defending the Law itself as set by our society. The judge makes sure that the prosecution and defense are following the rules so that when the jury comes to their decision we as a society can be assured that the rules were followed (in a best case scenario).

So, if the role of a father according to modern day prophets is that “by divine design, fathers are to [guard, watch, protect and defend] their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families,” then what would that kind of presiding look like?

In my mind, the best way to envision that behavior is to think of Jesus Christ himself and how He presided over his disciples and trained them to spread the gospel following His crucifixion. He didn’t shield them from pain, but he typically used gentle guidance to help them progress from simple fisherman, and into the missionaries whose work and influence has defined Western Civilization for the past 2000 years. There were occasions when he was stern with his disciples and quickly condemned their behavior or statements when they risked going seriously astray, but He cared for them enough that they grew into amazing men.

In modern scripture we also have this advice given to holders of the priesthood (D&C 121):

41 No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned;

 42 By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile—

 43 Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy;

 44 That he may know that thy faithfulness is stronger than the cords of death.

So, when we are told by modern prophets to preside over our families we are not being told to rule and govern our families, we are being commanded to watch over our families as Christ would and to behave as He would behave were He here instead of us.

This has actually been an ongoing theme that I have been finding as I have been studying the scriptures during this year. I have been acutely aware and noticed every time I’ve come to a  controversial scripture, a modern teaching, or a section of temple ordinance that people have claimed elevates the role of men while diminishing or subordinating the role of women. As I spend time digging a little deeper, and pondering the meaning within the full context of the Gospel and the Atonement, I often find that the role of men is incorrectly being interpreted as one of authority, when it is really a role of service. It is those that serve, not those that rule, who are the greatest in the Kingdom of God.

New Goal (Posting it here so I’ll do it)

I still haven’t found a way to maintain a blog along with 2 jobs and all my family responsibilities (BTW, my body fat percentage as of 12/08/14 was 24%, down from close to 33% in May.), but I have still tried to complete some various goals related to self-improvement.  Some are easy to maintain, others are hard.  I’ve been doing one for a week and a half now and it has been very hard to not fall behind, so now I’m posting it publicly so I’ll be more inclined to do it.

I have found that in the last 6 years or so it is much harder to pay close attention to General Conference the weekend it actually airs.  Part of that had to do with the fact that UNT held a campus wide open house the first Saturday of April while I worked there, but part of it has to do with the fact that with 4 kids in the house it is hard to just sit down and listen.  We find things for them to do and encourage their participation in conference, but distractions pop up.  For some reason I was thinking about this during sacrament meeting a couple weeks ago while we were visiting Texas, and I thought up a way to play catch up with some of the recent session: each week I’d devote to listening to one apostle (including those in the First Presidency) and listen to one talk a day from the last 5 General Conferences on weekdays.

…and then I promptly forgot that I wanted to do that.

But then on December 7th I remembered and made a chart on my Google Drive and actually put on all the links to the talks and assigned them to days.  Luckily if I started on the 8th, I’d still finish before the April 2015 General Conference.  I listened to the two talks assigned for the 8th, and 9th

…and then didn’t listen to another one until yesterday when I started playing catch up on the goal.

Today I managed to properly catch up, but seeing as how I forgot for two weeks that I wanted to do this, and then got 4 talks behind right in the opening days of the goal, I needed more accountability.  Thus this blog post.

While I’d like to promise that I will publish something each Friday when I finish with my thoughts about the theme the apostle seemed to have, the last few months have shown that I don’t have a schedule that can permit such a promise.  However, I will likely post an update every so often on the progress I’ve made or something I’ve learned.

So if you like this goal or idea, feel free to share in it or modify it to fit your schedule and lifestyle. Or come up with your own goal to do, after all a good healthy S.M.A.R.T. goal is necessary every so often for all of us.

The Conference Center

October 2014 Conference Wordle

Science vs Religion? Not a Problem for Me #MormonPositive

So far in my #MormonPositive series I have written about experiences in my life that were stressful specifically because of my membership in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, but how experiencing that stress made me a better person.  I’m going to break from that pattern a little bit today and focus on how my membership in the church prevented me from experiencing a stress that impacts some religious people.

I have never to my recollection felt any conflict been my religious beliefs and science, and I attribute that entirely to the doctrines of my church.  For me:

Evolution, not a problem.

Physics is fascinating, has never made me question God.

The age of Earth/Universe, sure 4.5 & 13.5 billion years respectively, again not a problem.

 

At one time during my freshman year of college I thought about being a physics major.  I didn’t pursue it because I didn’t have confidence I could learn that math, but I blame that on my public schooling education, not my religion.

For some reason there seem to be people in other Christian denominations (and occasionally some individuals in my own church) who seem to think that science is a threat to their faith.  Also, there are scientists who seem to think that religion in general is a threat to further learning in science.  I find myself comfortably outside of both camps.

There is such a fascinating legacy of scientific thought within the Mormon community.  Some intriguing quotes worth pondering:

“The origin of life whether human or inferior, must be lodged in some character whom I have not seen! Follow it back, no matter whether it be for six thousand years, six millions, six million millions, or billions of years, the figures and numbers are immaterial, I must have come from some source, my natural philosophy teaches me this. But, leaving the natural philosophy of the child free from false tradition, let us inquire. What does the philosophy of the Christian sects, or many of them, not all, teach? “God made the world in six days, out of nothing!” This is very wrong; no child should be taught any such dogma. God never did make a world out of nothing; He never will, He never can!” [Brigham Young, Journal of Discourses, vol. 13, pg. 248, 25 Sep 1870].

“Miracles are commonly regarded as occurrences in opposition to the laws of nature. Such a conception is plainly erroneous, for the laws of nature are inviolable. However, as human understanding of these laws is at best but imperfect, events strictly in accordance with natural law may appear contrary thereto. The entire constitution of nature is founded on system and order.” [James E. Talmage, The Articles of Faith, Deseret Book, SLC, 1966, originally published 1899, pg. 220.]”

“Truth is truth forever. Scientific truth cannot be theological lie. To the sane mind, theology and philosophy must harmonize. They have the common ground of truth on which to meet.” [John A. Widtsoe, Joseph Smith as Scientist, originally published in 1908, Bookcraft, 1964, pg. 156].

“Since the gospel embraces all truth, there can never be any genuine contradictions between true science and true religion… I am obliged, as a latter-day saint, to believe whatever is true, regardless of the source.” [Henry Eyring, Faith of a Scientist, p. 12, 31]

This perspective has been very helpful for me.  It means that I can watch Neil deGrasse Tyson’s documentaries or TV shows and thoroughly enjoy them.  I meant that I could work as the academic advisor in the Biology department for a major university in Texas, and never feel even the slightest bit of conflict.  Now, I find myself working for Brigham Young University and I see around me so many scientists in the top of their fields with no conflict between the experiments they conduct, the lessons they teach, and the peace they have found through the practice of our religion.

I know that conflict occasionally erupts and a person will claim that they are being torn between his/her scientific principles and religion, and much attention is focused on those events, but I think that is more the exception than the rule.  So many of us in the LDS Faith find comfort, knowledge, and synchrony between both science and religion and experience no internal conflict.  For any out there who do, please take the time to understand that truth is truth and that it is the limits of our minds’ that might prevent us from seeing the ties between religious truth and scientific truth, not the lack of ties between the two.

Additional Readings:

Henry Eyring, The Faith of a Scientist

Science Meets Religion

Evolution and the Origin of Man

Trouble at the MTC #MormonPositive

Here is my 2^nd post in my #MormonPositive series.

 

So, to recap I’m writing about ways in which my life is either harder or more stressful because I’m Mormon, but illustrating how that difficult issue and/or stressful event made me a better person.  I guess I have to discuss my absolute most stressful time ever as a Mormon: the 8 weeks I spent in the MTC.

Many people speak with fondness of their time in the MTC (Missionary Training Center), they talk about how it was the first time in their lives that they were able to focus on their spiritual selves and the first time that the various truths they had learned about the gospel finally coalesced into a unified testimony of the restoration. However, for me the MTC marked a time of extreme anxiety and internal turmoil.

Missionary Training Center in Provo, UT

I had reported to the MTC expecting the time of my life.  I was one of those LDS kids that had sung “I Hope They Call Me on a Mission” with gusto, because I meant it!  Sometimes when I was home alone I would watch the old “Called to Serve” VHS and think about how that would be me someday. I lived a life worthy to become a missionary (and very much by choice, not accident nor lack of opportunity). Yet, my arrival to the MTC was filled with voices telling me that I wasn’t good enough, and due to an inherent problem within me that I had not yet overcome, I believed them.

I put the blame for my stress at the MTC on three people: the first counselor in my MTC branch presidency, one of our language teachers, and myself.

The first one was a seminary teacher from somewhere in Utah County, so our branch president delegated most of the presidency instruction to him.  Right from the get-go he was very open with his opinion that young adults were not the best way to preach the gospel to the world, but because this was the way the Lord said to do it right now, he was going to do everything in his power to get us ready.  He openly said that if the Church was serious about increasing convert baptisms they would shift focus from sending out young adults and start sending out more senior couples.  He openly called us lazy, unprepared, unworthy, unfocused, and undeserving of our calling.  The interesting thing is that I knew his whole opinion about the missionary program was incorrect because I had a family friend who was transitioning from the roll of mission president into general authority while I was preparing for the MTC, and I had personally heard him bemoan the fact that senior couples in the Church are extremely hesitant to serve missions.  But, while there in the MTC under this man’s influence, I unfortunately allowed myself to believe this member of our branch presidency regarding my personal worthiness to serve a mission.

The second one, one of our language teachers, had just returned from his mission to the Philippines and was hired by the MTC to teach Cebuano.  I’ll give him this, he learned the language beyond what most consider possible for a Westerner, let alone as a proselyting missionary.  In my opinion though, his unique ability to learn this language filled him with a level of arrogance unbecoming of a priesthood holder.  He was hired about a week after I reported to the MTC and he substituted and observed my class for about 3 weeks until the next batch of Philippines-bound missionaries arrived.  I was happy to be rid of his daily presence, but unfortunately not his influence.  He told us, in no uncertain terms, that the Philippines was a blessed land (which I agree with) and that he was disgusted and disturbed that the Church headquarters would have called a group of so unprepared and unacceptable missionaries to be sent there.  When a missionary in one of the Tagalog classes got reassigned to an English speaking mission after he’d had some difficulty, this teacher openly asked if our whole class ought to have the same fate when we mis-conjugated a verb he was teaching us.

And then there was me.  At that time in my life I believed pretty much anything anyone said about me. The sad thing about this is that my own stake president, minutes before setting me apart as a missionary warned me that this was a weakness of mine, and that it would be a serious challenge for me, particularly while I was in the MTC.  Today, I understand this problem through the psychological theory of Locus of Control, which in brief says that people either define themselves through internal beliefs or external influences.  For much of my childhood, especially during the years that I was bullied, I defined myself and my self-efficacy through external voices.  When voices the voices that were critical of me (bullies & some teachers) outnumbered the voices that spoke positive of me (my parents, different teachers, a Sunday school teacher) I had difficult times.  If the positive voices got louder, I would feel better.  Currently, I know that the healthiest thing is to self-evaluate myself and my self-efficacy so I don’t get into a shame spiral when criticized.  That was a long and hard lesson, but the foundation for me to learn that also came during my time at the MTC.

The voices telling me that I wasn’t worthy to me a missionary were rather loud, but I kept myself tied to my determination to be a missionary.  Fortunately, a much more influential figure came into my life and helped me silence those critical voices.  One of our Tuesday Devotional speakers while I was in the MTC was Elder M. Russell Ballard.  He came and gave a wonderful lesson on the gathering of Israel and of foreordination.  It was a great talk, but it wasn’t the talk that left an impression on me.

Elder M. Russell Ballard

Prior to Elder Ballard’s arrival, I had been in the auditorium early to participate in the MTC choir.  Once we had finished our rehearsal the rest of the elders, sisters, and MTC leadership began to arrive.  The MTC is organized into branches and the branches into districts.  One of the district presidents had been selected to conduct the meeting.  By this point, I had gotten used to the MTC devotional routine of the conductor standing up a few times as people filed in and asking everyone to take their seats quickly so we could begin.  Once everyone was finally seated the speaker and his/her party would then be the last to enter and sit on the stand.  This district president though, called us to order well before people had started coming in, basically while just the choir was in the room.  He read a prepared statement that read something like this: “Elder Ballard has another obligation following the conclusion of his remarks here.  At the conclusion of the closing prayer, REMAIN IN YOUR SEATS until he has left the auditorium.  DO NOT approach the stand expecting to meet Elder Ballard or shake his hand as he needs to leave IMMEDIATELY.” As he read those words, which as just words were harmless enough, his tone created a message of derision or contempt.  The emphasis he placed on the commandments in the statement were in the same tone that a drill sergeant would use with a belligerent soldier, or a warden with a difficult prisoner.  I felt disrespected, and I felt as though I had one more person who didn’t respect the choice I had willingly made to become a missionary.  My ill feelings towards this man increased every 2-3 minutes as he stood up and repeated the statement as more and more people came into the room, each time the tone harsher and the statement given louder.  It didn’t bother me that much that Elder Ballard had to leave and we wouldn’t be able to shake his hand, but the tone of this man telling us that bothered me a great deal.

Eventually the meeting began, and as I said before Elder Ballard’s talk was wonderful.  I was lifted and filled with positive emotion.  Little did I know how quickly that could all be undone.  The same district president who had opened the meeting stood to announce the concluding hymn and prayer, and then before we got to those he started reading the announcement about Elder Ballard leaving early again. (As a note, since Elder Ballard had been the last one to enter the auditorium, this was the first time he heard this district president read this statement.)  The harsh tone was identical to the one that had preceded the meeting, and immediately the warm feeling within me retreated and I felt my anger return.  I remember looking down at the floor because I couldn’t stand both looking and listening to this man.  Then, as I was looking at the floor, something interesting happened, the harsh voice of the district president stopped mid-sentence and was replaced by Elder Ballard’s calm and reassuring voice.  I immediately looked up.  To the best of my memory, this is what Elder Ballard said, “Elders and Sisters, I know that typically propriety does not require me to disclose why I would need to leave early following a meeting, but since you are my fellow servants in full-time service to the Lord, I feel I owe you an explanation.”  He then continued and told us about a sick relative who lived nearby and that this evening was the only opportunity he would have to visit this person.  He asked us to forgive him for giving time that he would normally give to us to this sick individual.  Of course I forgave him, he called me a “fellow servant.”  At no time while at the MTC had I felt as respected or cared for.  From over 100 feet away and with over a dozen rows of people in between us, an Apostle of the Lord spoke directly to me.  I’m sure that other people in that room needed that same message, but I know that the ill feelings in my heart towards that district president were part of the reason Elder Ballard was prompted to stand and break from propriety.

After that, those two people who had been such tormentors to my soul didn’t bother me as much in my remaining weeks.  I knew why I was in the MTC.  I knew that they were not witnesses to the work I was doing outside of their purview, I knew they couldn’t see the motivations in my heart, and that the motivations of my heart were pure.  I had had and Apostle call me a “fellow servant” and certainly his opinion was worth far more than that of a prideful language teacher or a grumpy old seminary teacher.

It took me several more years to learn to always look back within my heart when faced with criticism and to not internalize the critiques of those not worthy to critique me.  One of the people who helped me learn that and built on the foundation Elder Ballard had laid I met in the days following my departure from the MTC.  He was my mission president.  I remember knowing within seconds of meeting that jovial, loving man that despite my challenges in the MTC, I was right where I needed to be.

Sitting Without Dad during Sacrament Meeting

This is my first post in my Mormon-Positive series.

I was very young when my dad was first called into a bishopric, I can’t even remember how old I was, I just remember seeing dad as one of the three men on the stand during church meetings at a very young age.  I believe on two separate occasions in my early years he was in a bishopric which required him to sit on the stand.  When I was about 11 or 12, my dad was called as bishop which meant another five years sitting on the stand presiding over our sacrament meetings.  I’m sure this was stressful for my mom. In fact I know it was because she has said so.

The tradition and instruction for sacrament meetings in the LDS Church is that the bishop and his two counselors will sit on the stand next to the podium and preside over and conduct the meeting.  They make sure that proper assignments for prayers, hymns, speakers, and special events are arranged as well as making sure that the sacrament is blessed and passed properly and in accordance with the reverence it deserves.  Because we are a lay church the three members of the bishopric are invariably fathers who have families, typically with young children, sitting in the congregation and the mothers are left alone to get the kids to church and keep from being disruptive throughout the meeting.  When a man is called to be a bishop his wife also takes on a huge burden of responsibility, primarily she has to do a number of parenting activities solo because her husband needs to be at church early, stay late, and attend meetings on weeknights.  Plus she has to put up with the fact that at any given time he may need to run off to attend to a crisis a member in the ward may be experiencing.

The Bishop’s Team

I know it was not easy for my mom to do all those Sunday mornings getting us out the door to Church and then splitting her attention between the speaker and four kids who would rather not be sitting in a pew and could become restless and moody at any given moment.  I know this because I was a teenage punk who intentionally didn’t make life easy for her.  I know many other bishops’ wives have had similar frustrations because there are blog posts, active campaigns, and public criticisms towards the church that have recommended that how a bishopric presides over sacrament meeting should be revisited.

I don’t know what will become of those campaigns, perhaps change will come.  I do know that even though this was a stressful experience for my family, especially my parents, I learned something those five years that my dad was bishop.   I learned that my dad had a powerful testimony of the truth of the gospel, and I learned that my parents would sacrifice almost anything in devotion to their belief in the restored gospel.

One of the responsibilities of the bishopric is to begin the monthly fast & testimony meetings by publicly stating his own testimony and then inviting the rest of the members to come to the front and share their individual testimonies.  Since there are three members of a bishopric, this meant that once every three months my dad would stand before the congregation and tell them that he knew of Christ’s divinity, the reality of the atonement, and his confidence that Joseph Smith was a prophet through whom the fullness of the gospel and the priesthood ordinances were restored to the Earth.  My dad is a convert and had a challenging childhood and early adulthood, filled with contradictions and cognitive dissonance.  Hearing him talk about the clarity and purpose-of-life that finding the gospel brought him left impressions on me that have impacted me to this day.

There were other times when my Dad’s example as a presider left lasting impressions on me.  When I was about 14 or 15, I was sitting with other deacons and teachers who were preparing to pass the sacrament.  Everything looked all ready to go, but as the hymn for the sacrament began and the priests stood up to break the bread before blessing it, they folded back the sheet and discovered that the trays in front of them were the used and empty trays from the previous ward.  Apparently, they hadn’t cleaned off the sacrament table at the conclusion of their meeting and as our ward arrived and saw a sacrament table that looked prepped, we all assumed it was ready to go.  Well, knowing it would take us about 5-10 minutes to clean off the used trays and then prep them for the sacrament service my dad as bishop stood up and on the fly gave a sermon on the difference between looking prepared and actually being prepared.  He asked the congregation if we arrive at church looking our best in our Sunday clothes, but have we taken the same efforts to prepare our hearts to renew the covenant of baptism with the sacrament ordinance.  He then reminded us of the baptismal covenant, to mourn with those that mourn, comfort those needing comfort, and taking upon us Christ’s name.  When he finished we sang a new sacrament hymn and then blessed and passed the sacrament.  It was a lesson I’ve never forgotten.

I know those years were hard on my parents, after all the years that parents have teenagers tend to be the most challenging anyway, but these extra little challenges that my parents took on, even though it added additional stress to their lives have left both them and me with unexpected opportunities for growth and personal development.

New Blog Project: #MormonPositive

I’d spent the last few weeks trying to figure out if my blog was something worth maintaining and updating.  I recently started using it for a weight loss project, since blogging about your change of lifestyle and diet has been shown to increase adherence to the new routine, but that one purpose alone didn’t seem sufficient.

It seemed clear to me that for a blog to be of value, it needs to have a theme and a purpose, rather than simply be a vessel in which to pour out random and occasional thoughts when I have the time or the inclination.  A couple weeks ago I had one of those shower-epiphanies (quite literally) and came up with a thought for a personal blog project for the next few months.  The theme/title of this project is “Mormon-Positive.”

To be brief, I will be cataloging ways in which my life has been improved by being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  Sometimes, being a Mormon is not the easiest thing in the world and there are times when I can clearly see that finding another church or simply not being a church going person would greatly simplify my life.  Yet, I am compelled to stay.  I want to catalog why that is.

My longer explanation of how I got to this epiphany was that I was pondering on several things and they melded in my mind into this project.  The four main thoughts that conjoined into this project were:

• A piece of advice that a family friend gave me right before I went on my mission regarding journal keeping.  He said that we often use journals to explore our complaints and problems in life, which can be helpful, but if that becomes the focus of our journal writing it means that the good things don’t get recorded.  Since blogs are modern-day journals it seems as though a lot of time spent writing and reading blogs is on the complaints of life, not the positive aspects. I myself have been guilty of this, so it’s a personal critique as well as a public one.
• A TED talk on how stress is not necessarily the evil it has been portrayed to be and can actually be your friend.  As I’ve watched it a few times, and as I’ve looked at the research that has backed her up, I’ve been amazed at how true it is that a change in attitude about your stress seems to be the key not only to stress management, but excellence in life.
• Another online video, this time from a PragerUniveristy video on five lessons Dennis Prager would like college graduates to know.  Specifically, his first idea (at 0:21 in the video) is that “the greatest struggle in your life is not with society, it is with yourself.”
• The final thought came from a comment my wife received in an email.  Essentially, my wife was told by the author of this email that she would be a better person and live a happier life if she eventually learned (like the email author) that the LDS Church is a fraud.  That way we could let go of false beliefs and stressors that hold us back from living fuller lives.  This was a personal email from someone my wife intimately knows, not one of those form-letter collections of complaints against LDS doctrine and practice that are often circulated by people as they’re leaving the church.

I think that we in our society are often too quick to demonize hard things, especially when our perception is that the hard thing originates due to an organized system, whether culture, government, church, society, etc.  Our primary inclination is to change the system (which often times is necessary) rather than looking internally and figuring out how this stress that came from something external could be used to improve ourselves internally.  I can think of many ways which my membership in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has made my life harder, but many of the hardest things about being a member of the church have been the things that have led me to the greatest personal improvement.

My goal is to write at least one blog post on this topic a week until September.  Depending on how this project goes I might continue it.  Most of my posts will likely be recollections from the past, focusing on stories that have the blessing of hindsight.  However, if something contemporary happens in the next few months, I might also write about that as well.  If you like this project and feel like adding your own voice to it, I’ll be using the hashtag #mormonpositive on twitter whenever I share one of these posts.  I’ll happily link any outside posts on this topic back to my blog.

 

 

 

 

(Given the timing of when I finally finished this intro and first post coinciding with the news flurry that is the announced church discipline hearings for Kate Kelly and John Dehlin, I feel I should point out that this is something I had intended to write for a couple weeks and I had been working on my drafts since early this week.  This is a personal project that I wanted to do, and is not a response in any way to the news of the day.)

Sometimes it takes an expletive.

English: Genetic counseling session (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

There are some things about being a psychotherapist that I didn’t know about until I was a psychotherapist.

Two of my counseling peers tell the same amusing story about me from grad school (because it happened on two separate occasions).  When I was in counseling practicum I had a client that would swear a lot and when you’re a therapist and counseling skills are built around reflective communication, you sometimes have to reflect a client’s statements and feelings using their words so you don’t come across as judgmental.  So, I was being observed by a peer from the other room over CCTV for feedback after my session, and apparently as I was using my client’s swear words to reflect back his feelings about something and my observer started giggling.  Since a number of other peers were also in the room observing other sessions, they all asked my observer what was so funny.  My observer responded, “Kyle’s swearing!”

I take a bit of confidence in those stories because I guess it means my peers knew me well enough to know I wasn’t the kind of guy who used expletives in everyday conversation.  So much so that it gave them the giggles to see it happen.

In the time that’s passed since then, I’ve kind of become a convert to the idea that sometimes you have to swear when talking with clients.  I still don’t swear in everyday conversation, but I have found that once the therapy room door shuts there are times that you’ve got to drop some harsh words.  I’ve learned some tricks to it though:

• Only swear if the client swears.
• Use the same level swear words the client uses.
• Save them for the statements that you want to have some meaning.
• Don’t fumble them off your tongue, say them naturally.

I know that this might come as a shock to some people who know me, or who are Mormon that might be surprised by this, but think about it.  Doesn’t it have a lot more weight when you tell someone “You’re not going to f***ing kill yourself!” than “You have the strength to not kill yourself.”?

Anyway, it’s funny.  I made it through my teenage years without developing a swearing problem, but now here solidly in my adulthood I spend the occasional hour where I would fit in with the surliest of sailors.

I wonder what other LDS therapists think about this.

Related articles

• How We’ll Swear in the Future (io9.com)
• Counselling and Healing (tobilobaoladunjoye.wordpress.com)

Bullying Christians?

So, I was doing my daily news review today, and came across an interesting contradiction.  When I have a chance I try to catch what was said on The Daily Show to see what they’re laughing at.  Well, last night in one clip (I shortcut it back there) Samantha Bee interviewed a anti-gay Christian minister who has been complaining about Christian bashing and bullying of Christians.  As you can guess, this being The Daily Show, they went out of their way to make this guy look like a wack-a-doodle and did a compare/contrast with the bullying and bashing that LGBT people have endured.  She went on to imply that bullying of Christians is basically non existent and that anyone who argues that it exists just has an ax to grind because they are losing a power position in society.

Now it is always fun to poke fun at a holier-than-thou type that has been caught in a hypocritical stance, but what I was bothered by was the contention by Samantha Bee that there is no Christian bashing or bullying happening.  You see, a few minutes after watching The Daily Show clip, I was looking through headlines on Real Clear Politic’s religion section, and came across a headline “When They Tried to Stump My Black Mormon” which was written by Julie Boye for the Deseret News about how her husband Alex Boye was treated by some members of the press during his European tour.  In short, he was bullied and bashed for being a Mormon and agreeing to allow his face to be used in an advertisement campaign that is the perfect example of “turning the other cheek” in response to the opening of the Book of Mormon musical in London.  So without even trying, and using a major news resource I was able to prove Ms. Bee’s “there is no bullying of Christians” argument wrong.

Now here is the problem: bullying is wrong.  It is always wrong.  Yet, when it comes to the bullying of Christians it is often dismissed as some kind of karmic balancing rite, or it is dismissed completely as an urban legend, or as a hissy-fit on the part of the victim.  I can attest that bullying someone because of their religion is totally real, because I was a victim of it.  This was while I was in middle school and some in high school.  It didn’t necessarily stop there, one time I even had a professor who had shown interest in mentoring me until he found out I was Mormon.  (I’ll discuss my own person experiences as a bully victim in more detail in the future, because I have number of points I’d like to share about that.)

So my point is this: just because bullying of Christians or Mormons or whoever else not as prevalent and perhaps not as intense as the bullying of LGBT youths or socially dysfunctional individuals does not mean that it deserves to be ignored or made fun of.  Bullying is bad in all its forms and towards all its victims.  Sure, we can all laugh when you trot out a hypocritical radio personality who does bully a group of people while decrying bullying of a different group of people, but why don’t we trot out Dan Savage when he does the same thing?  Bullying is always wrong, and just because The Daily Show thinks it’s funny to mock this guy does not give them the right to dismiss the harm that has been done to many for no other reason than being the less popular religion in the place that they grew up.