Adding Real Value

I sometimes think about why I do the things I do.  Why do I read the books I read?  Why do I watch the TV shows I do? Why do I do the job that I do?  Why do I study the things that I study?  Why do I blog about the things I blog about?  The primary answer is that I do them because I like them, but the secondary answer is that I do them because I want to influence the world for good; at least my best understanding of “good.”

You might wonder what all of this has to do with a trailer for a documentary on Calvin and Hobbes.  I crave influencing people for the better.  I know that is not something that is high on everyone’s priority list, but it is high on mine.  I have found my way into the jobs that I have because my personality type requires that a sense of doing good, and counselings and academic advising provide me with that level of fulfillment.  Yet, I still find that sometimes I am frustrated by my lack of reach, I want to reach out beyond the people I work with one-on-one and put something out into society that is a positive influence on complete strangers.  Right now, blogging is my main tool for that, but I do spend time pondering if there is a better way.

So, I starting thinking about this in the reverse and was wondering about complete strangers (defined as anyone whom I don’t personally know or who I have had minimal interaction with) who have had a profound impact on me personally through the work they have put out into society, and I came up with this list (including people both dead and alive):

1. Jesus Christ
2. Joseph Smith Jr.
3. Gordon B. Hinckley
4. Thomas S. Monson
5. Bill Watterson
6. Abraham Lincoln 
7. Paul the Apostle
8. C. S. Lewis
9. J. R. R. Tolkin
10. Fritz Perlz
11. James E. Talmage
12. John Green

I was surprised that Bill Watterson was so high, but the more I thought about it, the more confident I was in his placement.  I started reading Calvin and Hobbes in the late 1980’s and I was a huge fan.  I bought every book I could with my own money.  I wasn’t old enough to understand publishing schedules and there was no internet to announce when the next publication would take place, so I would go to Dolly’s Bookstore every so often just hoping beyond hope that there would be a new Calvin and Hobbes on the shelves.

These comic strips made me laugh, but they influenced me far beyond that.  I was an introverted, bullied adolescent who longed to just enjoy life.  By vicariously enjoying life through the lens of this rambunctious, imaginative little boy I was able to find comfort and solace in my own other-ness.  His strips gave me joy and let me know that I could imagine myself as a space-explorer-extraordinaire or as a superhero in order to combat the mundane.  That there was nothing wrong in indulging in my imagination.

Calvin and Hobbes hit me right when I was most impressionable to the message that they carried, and it influenced who I became in both subtle and dramatic ways.

I can only dream to influence some stranger out there as fundamentally as Bill Watterson’s work influenced me.  I don’t know in what medium I will be able to express my thoughts and feelings, and I doubt I will ever be as successful as anyone on my list up above.  Still, I will try.  After all, if we all had as one of our life’s ambitions to leave behind something meaningful, that truly adds value to humanity as a species, then the world would undoubtedly be a better place.

Sometimes it takes an expletive.

English: Genetic counseling session (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

There are some things about being a psychotherapist that I didn’t know about until I was a psychotherapist.

Two of my counseling peers tell the same amusing story about me from grad school (because it happened on two separate occasions).  When I was in counseling practicum I had a client that would swear a lot and when you’re a therapist and counseling skills are built around reflective communication, you sometimes have to reflect a client’s statements and feelings using their words so you don’t come across as judgmental.  So, I was being observed by a peer from the other room over CCTV for feedback after my session, and apparently as I was using my client’s swear words to reflect back his feelings about something and my observer started giggling.  Since a number of other peers were also in the room observing other sessions, they all asked my observer what was so funny.  My observer responded, “Kyle’s swearing!”

I take a bit of confidence in those stories because I guess it means my peers knew me well enough to know I wasn’t the kind of guy who used expletives in everyday conversation.  So much so that it gave them the giggles to see it happen.

In the time that’s passed since then, I’ve kind of become a convert to the idea that sometimes you have to swear when talking with clients.  I still don’t swear in everyday conversation, but I have found that once the therapy room door shuts there are times that you’ve got to drop some harsh words.  I’ve learned some tricks to it though:

• Only swear if the client swears.
• Use the same level swear words the client uses.
• Save them for the statements that you want to have some meaning.
• Don’t fumble them off your tongue, say them naturally.

I know that this might come as a shock to some people who know me, or who are Mormon that might be surprised by this, but think about it.  Doesn’t it have a lot more weight when you tell someone “You’re not going to f***ing kill yourself!” than “You have the strength to not kill yourself.”?

Anyway, it’s funny.  I made it through my teenage years without developing a swearing problem, but now here solidly in my adulthood I spend the occasional hour where I would fit in with the surliest of sailors.

I wonder what other LDS therapists think about this.

Related articles

• How We’ll Swear in the Future (io9.com)
• Counselling and Healing (tobilobaoladunjoye.wordpress.com)

Let’s figure out this sex thing! (after being abstinent up til now)

I saw on KSL that that some Utah Valley University faculty did some research on intimacy issues in couples who have remained abstinent prior to marriage.  Given the available population in the area, it didn’t surprise me that 91% of the participants were married and that average length of marriage was 12.3 years.  Well, as a Mormon who has been married 11.97 years, I can’t help but add my commentary to this.  I’m hoping that my time spent getting an M.S. in counseling as well as work as a marriage counselor will allow me to add some interesting insights.

Now, my biggest frustration with the article is that they say that they have found that a lack of information and communication leads to intimacy problems for couples, and they say that about 56% of previously abstinent couples don’t have enough communication, but they never share the percentage that had intimacy issues or how long those issues persisted following the wedding night.  I think it is important to note that this is a pilot study and that nothing has been published thus far.  My other frustration is that whenever an article is published like this, those who have left the Church over sexual intimacy issues (which typically have more to do with family-of-origin issues than church doctrine) like to use these articles as a hammer to beat the church with.

Both of my above frustrations come down to a common misconception in the public that (a) remaining abstinent prior to marriage unusual, and it MUST (b) lead to intimacy problems do to lack of knowledge, therefore (c) sexual exploration as a teenager and young adult is necessary for maturation.  I’d like to attack each of the premises and the conclusion individually, starting with the conclusion.  First off, all one has to do is watch about 5 minutes of a reality show on E! or MTV to realize that sexual activity has no bearing on adult maturation.  Plenty of people in the world are sexually active and no sense of how to behave as an adult.  Conversely, there are plenty of people in the world who are wholly incompetent at sex (many of whom are married) and yet are very capable of all other aspects of life. To debunk the first premise, I’d like to point out that remaining abstinent is not unusual in a quantitative or percentage sense.  In the US about 8-13% of people do not have sex prior to marriage, which is in the order of millions; what more, the numbers were far greater just 50 years ago, so it is not even historically unusual.  And lastly, to debunk the second premise I have to point out that not having sex is not the same as not having knowledge about sex.  One can learn a great deal about sex without having it.  There are lots of skills where we require a base level of knowledge before we allow people to engage in the activity: flying aircraft, driving cars, rock climbing, skiing, skydiving, etc. Yes, we eventually do get to do the activity, but classes and reading always come first.  So it should be with sex in marriage. Also, let’s not forget that at least half of these marriages studied didn’t have problems.  So just because problems happen for some does not mean it is an eventuality for all; it is simply a possibility.  And what this researcher is saying is that it is a possibility that with some modest changes could be minimized or eliminated without changing our belief or commitment to pre-marriage abstinence and most-marriage fidelity.

There are lots of people out there who waited until they were married to have sex and who loved the experience on their wedding night and honeymoon (my wife and I for example!).  There are lots of people out there who have had sex with all sorts of people including their spouse prior to marriage and end up having sexual problems once married.

My big takeaway is this:  If sex isn’t working for you, talk about it.  If talking about it with your spouse (or fiancee if you are about to tie the knot) does not produce the desired result, find a competent additional person to talk to.  I offer the follow recommendations: a professional counselor, a gynecologist, a general practitioner, a sex therapist, a local clergy.  If you are like me and place value on abstinence prior to marriage, then find one of the above who shares your values.  If you are not like me and don’t place value on this, well then it will probably be easier to find someone who shares your values, but still get help.

One of these days I’ll get around to writing a book specifically for LDS couples about to be married, and how to broach the topic of sex and prepare for it.  In the meantime, if you’re having issues and can’t reach out to any of the above.  Let me know, and I’ll be happy to help.